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When Sex and the City first hit our screens in 1998, it was groundbreaking. I remember feeling very confronted by its content at the time. Sure, it gave women permission to talk openly about sex, friendship, and the complexities of modern relationships, but its candid conversations and often explicit sexual escapades were nothing short of short of shocking back then - we've sure come a long way.


At the center of the show of course was Carrie Bradshaw, the fabulous and flawed writer, and her on-again, off-again love affair with the enigmatic and perpetually emotionally unavailable Mr. Big. For years, audiences rooted for them, despite their ups and downs. But as the conversation around relationships has evolved, many women are now re-evaluating what this iconic duo represented and recognising the toxic dynamics at play, and we can't unsee it.


From the moment Carrie met Mr. Big, he was the epitome of everything she thought she wanted: charismatic, successful, and mysterious. He exuded confidence and lived a glamorous life that seemed to align perfectly with Carrie’s romanticised life and vision of love. For many women watching the show, Mr. Big was the ultimate catch - the kind of man who could sweep you off your feet and make you feel like the heroine of your own love story.


But as the show progressed, Big revealed himself to be shallow, aloof, emotionally distant, inconsistent, and altogether incapable of offering the kind of love Carrie deserved. He would draw her in with grand gestures and charming words, breadcrumb her like a piece of chicken, only to pull away when things got deep or serious. Carrie was always kept in the shallow end of the relationship pool by Big and yet, she kept returning. Why? Because Big wasn’t just a man; he was a mirror reflecting Carrie’s own insecurities, fears, and unresolved traumas - the truth is they were both wounded and unhealed.


The term "narcissistic mirror projection" refers to a dynamic where one partner projects their unmet needs and insecurities onto the other, creating a relationship built on illusion rather than reality. Mr. Big’s charm and allure weren’t just about who he was - they were about how he made Carrie feel about herself. In his presence, she felt validated, seen, and desired, but only on his terms. When he withdrew, she was left questioning her own worth.


This push-pull dynamic is a hallmark of relationships involving narcissistic tendencies. Big’s behaviour - hot one moment, cold the next - kept Carrie hooked on the highs and lows of the dopamine love drug, constantly striving for his approval. It’s a cycle many mature women now recognise as toxic, perpetuating a sense of inadequacy and emotional dependency.


In reflection, Carrie and Big’s relationship was the exemplification of a trauma bond - a deep emotional attachment formed in response to intermittent reinforcement. In simpler terms, it’s the psychological phenomenon where periods of affection and validation are interspersed with neglect and emotional pain, creating a powerful and addictive connection.


For Carrie, Big’s sporadic acts of kindness and affection were enough to keep her invested, even as he repeatedly let her down. She rationalised his behavior, blamed herself, and clung to the hope that he would eventually change, a pattern that many women in toxic relationships find all too familiar. Trauma bonds are difficult to break because they tap into deep-seated fears of abandonment and rejection. Carrie’s longing for Big wasn’t just about him; it was about her unresolved wounds and the belief that his love would somehow validate her existence.


Fast forward to today, and many women who idolised Carrie and Big in the early 2000s are now older, wiser, more self-aware - and mostly divorced. As discussions about mental health, emotional abuse, and toxic relationships have become more mainstream, women are now not only recognising the red flags in their own lives but in reflection re-evaluating the television show they once consumed uncritically. Carrie and Big’s relationship, once considered romantic and aspirational, now sparks questions like: why did Carrie persist in chasing a man who couldn’t meet her emotional needs? Why was Big’s inability to commit framed as a challenge for Carrie to overcome rather than a reflection of his own shortcomings? And why did the show glorify a dynamic that inflicted so much pain and self-doubt?


Understanding the toxic dynamics in Carrie and Big’s relationship goes beyond critiquing a fictional couple - it’s about empowering women to identify and break free from similar patterns in their own lives. For so many women it's hit home that emotional unavailability isn’t sexy; traits like aloofness and unpredictability, romanticised in Sex and the City, are red flags in real life, where healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect, open communication, and emotional availability.


Love shouldn’t hurt; while challenges are normal, persistent emotional pain signals toxicity, not commitment. Self-worth must come from within, and Carrie learned the hard way that her fixation on Big highlighted her insecurities and kept her stuck in a trauma cycle, underscoring the importance of knowing and honouring your own value. For us, witnessing her constant heartache by holding onto what little there was of Big only served to power intermittent reinforcement - how trauma bonds perpetuate toxic cycles—can help women break free by acknowledging the pattern and seeking support to heal.  


Interestingly, in the reboot 'And Just Like That', we see a more mature Carrie navigating life after Big’s death. While some fans were disappointed that Big remained such a central figure in her story, others saw it as an opportunity for Carrie to finally free and find herself outside of their toxic dynamic. It’s a poignant reminder that growth is always possible, even after years of unhealthy patterns.


For many women, the journey to self-awareness and healing involves looking back at past relationships with a new perspective. It’s about recognising the ways we’ve been conditioned to accept less than we deserve and making a conscious choice to demand better.


The current cultural resurrection of Carrie and Big’s relationship is largely part of an awakening of the divine feminine, with women no longer content to romanticise and accept toxicity or settle for partners who can’t meet their needs. Instead, they’re prioritising self-love, setting boundaries, and seeking relationships rooted in mutual respect and emotional intimacy. As we continue these conversations, it’s important to remember that growth is an ongoing process. Whether you’re breaking free from a trauma bond, healing from a toxic relationship, or simply reflecting on your own patterns, every step forward is a victory. And while Carrie and Big may always hold a place in pop culture history, their story doesn’t have to define our own.


Here’s to constantly rewriting the narrative - one where love uplifts, empowers, and heals, and where self-love brings the ultimate reward: finding blissful happiness alone, until the right partner comes along - Mr. Right, not Mr. Big.

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